ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

SUBMITTED BY: G. ADAMS

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John’s grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied,

‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said,

‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you

fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog

started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

Meet Coldwater !

  

 SUBMITTED BY: A-WEST

 

LOGICAL THINKING

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that cause’s the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

SUBMITTED BY:G-ADAMS

FART FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,  ‘Seven Points.’

 His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the
world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘It’s fart football.’

 A few minutes later his wife lets one go and
says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

 After about five minutes the old man lets
another one go and says,
‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’  

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another
one and says,’Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man.

 He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

 The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.

 

 

Submitted by: T-BAYLISS

HOW RUBBER GLOVES ARE MADE

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was

nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.

‘No, I don’t,’ she replied.  

‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’  

She didn’t crack a smile.’Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.  

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

‘What’s so funny?’ he asked, ‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made !’

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

Be afraid of old ladies:  be VERY afraid, as they have been there and done everything!

SUBMITTED BY: G-ADAMS

ELDERLY MAN GOES TO THE DR.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

“I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,

“What did he say?”

The wife yells back to him,

“GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS

SUBMITTED BY: T. BAYLISS