DEATH OF A NAGGING WIFE

A man and his nagging wife were on vacation in Jerusalem and the wife passed away. The undertaker said, “You can either have your wife shipped home for $5,000 dollars or bury her here for $150 dollars” the man said “I’ll ship her home” the undertaker said “but why? It’s cheaper to bury her here in the holy land” the man said “long ago a man was buried here and he rose from the dead three days later. I just can’t take that chance”

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

—— Dear Ex-Husband  Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.

Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago

. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything  happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling  life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem……..

IT ALL BEGAN WITH AN IPHONE

It all began with an iPhone…

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started . . .
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!

WHY I AM DIVORCED

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t
feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband                                                        would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and                                                             possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone Happy Birthday. I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word…

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way
Happy Birthday! I felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go he                            chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis                          each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,                   Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded,’ I guess not. What do you have in mind?
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed
by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked!

BOB’S FUNERAL

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.  

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 

 

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

 

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

 

Bob’s funeral will be on Saturday.