Tag Archives: COMEDY
DOG CRUELTY
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SUPER SQUIRREL
THE SEVEN YEAR COMPLAINER
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. “Cold floors,” he says.
They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, “Bad food.
They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say… “You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here! “
IT ALL BEGAN WITH AN IPHONE
It all began with an iPhone…
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started . . .
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!
HOW TO SCARE SANTA
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BILL ENCLOSED
MATHEMATICAL LOGIC
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that WhileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top..<
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD
The economy is so bad that…
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street.”
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.