BOB’S FUNERAL

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.  

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 

 

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

 

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

 

Bob’s funeral will be on Saturday.

 

BLONDE COP

This blonde  cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde  driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have
left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do  you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde  takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says,
“Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

YOUR GOING TO DIE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. 

 “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  “Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

 Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. “If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

 On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say? ” she answered.”  you’re going to die.

SIT DOWN PLEASE

NOTHING LIKE MEETING OLD CLASS MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.                                                            
 MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
 GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
 ASKED,
 
 ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? 

Submitted by: G-ADAMS 

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

SUBMITTED BY: G. ADAMS

MOTHER TO BE AWARD WINNER

THE WISH TO UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, “Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish.”

The guys says, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can’t because I’m afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii.”

The genie says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pillers we would need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it’s such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that’s just too much to ask. Impossible.”

The guy says, “Well, there is one thing I’ve always wanted to know. I’d like to be able to understand women…what makes them laugh and cry…you know, what makes them tick.”

The genie thinks a second, then asks, “You want two lanes or four?”

 

SUBMITTED BY: G-ADAMS