TICKETS

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner. 

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

—— Dear Ex-Husband  Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.

Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago

. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything  happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling  life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem……..

IT ALL BEGAN WITH AN IPHONE

It all began with an iPhone…

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started . . .
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!

FART BUBBLES

 

REDNECK LIMO

SANTA SUNBATHING

SANTA ON VACATION

HOW TO SCARE SANTA

I’M OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

SANTA SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRIAL

DIVORCED BARBIE

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95

Skater Barbie for $19.95 and,

Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks:’It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer,  and Ken’s Friends.